Subtitle (120)
0:01>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR
LOUIS CATO AND THE BAND,
0:09[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >>
Louis: HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
0:14♪ ♪ >> Stephen: TONIGHT,
TONIGHT WE HAVE, FROM THE
0:21WONDERFUL SHOW "THE PITT,"
THE WONDERFUL KATHERINE
0:24LaNASA WILL BE OUT HERE.
0:26SHE'S GOT THE EMMY AND THE
CRITICS CHOICE.
0:29I WILL BE ADMINISTERING THE
COLBERT QUESTIONERT TO THE
0:32ONE AND ONLY BAD BUNNY.
0:34HE'S GOT THAT SUPER BOWL
SHOW COMING UP.
0:39CATCH HIM AT THE SUPER BOWL
BUT CATCH HIM HERE FIRST.
0:41IT'S BEEN CALLED THE SUPER
BOWL OF LATE NIGHT,
0:45FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE LATE
SHOW AND I HOPE YOU DO, YOU
0:49KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
RIGHT OVER THERE IN THE NEWS
0:51KITCHEN, WASHING THE MOST
TOPICAL STORY CHICKEN WITH
0:54LIMES, THEN SAUTEEING ONIONS
IN A DRY POT BEFORE ADDING
0:56BERBERE SPICE BLEND, GINGER,
GARLIC, KORARIMA SPICE, AND
1:01JUST A TABLESPOON OF
MAKELESHA TO PRESENT THE
1:04EXQUISITE ERITREAN DORO WAT
CHICKEN STEW THAT IS MY
1:08BUT SOMETIMES, JUST
SOMETIMES, FOLKS, AFTER
1:09BEING SENT TO THE BRIG ON A
BOOTLEG CRAB TRAWLER, I
1:12SCRAPE THE REMAINS OF A
HALF-EATEN CHIMICHANGA INTO
1:15AN EMPTY COFFEE TIN AND TOP
IT OFF WITH WHATEVER IS
1:17LEAKING FROM THE OVERHEAD
PIPES TO MAKE THE BILGE
1:20GOULASH OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT...
1:25[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >>
Stephen: IT'S LIKE AN
1:29ANTIBIOTIC FOR THE SOUL.
1:37MEANWHILE, THE HOLLYWOOD
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE SAYS
1:40SYDNEY SWEENEY DID NOT GET
PERMISSION TO HANG BRAS ON
1:44THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN WHICH SHE
DID AS A PROMOTION FOR HER
1:48NEW BRAND OF WOMEN'S
UNDERGARMENTS.
1:50OFFICIALS SAY THIS IS A
CLASS C MISDEMEANOR.
1:56[LAUGHTER] OR POSSIBLY
DOUBLE D.
2:04WHAT THEY MEAN IS, WHAT THEY
MEAN IS, EACH MISDEMEANOR IS
2:08UNIQUE AND BEAUTIFUL IN ITS
OWN WAY.
2:12MEANWHILE, IN ROMANCE NEWS,
WAFFLE HOUSE IS TAKING
2:15VALENTINE'S DAY
RESERVATIONS.
2:17FUN FACT: FEBRUARY 14TH IS
THE ONLY DAY OUT OF THE YEAR
2:21THAT WAFFLE HOUSE CUSTOMERS
CAN CALL AHEAD TO BOOK A
2:25EVERY OTHER DAY, YOU JUST
HAVE TO WAKE UP IN ONE.
2:30MEANWHILE, IT'S ALMOST THE
SUPER BOWL: THE ONE NIGHT A
2:34YEAR WHEN AMERICA COMES
TOGETHER TO SAY: "WAIT, WAS
2:37THAT AD ABOUT JEUS OR
INSURANCE?"
2:39[LAUGHTER] I DON'T KNOW.
2:42TO PREPARE FOR YOUR BIG GAME
PARTY, HEINZ IS SELLING A
2:46BEER-STYLE KEG PACKED WITH
114 OUNCES OF CLASSIC HEINZ
2:49KETCHUP, COMPLETE WITH A
SPIGOT, CALLED THE KEG-CHUP.
2:53AND OF COURSE THE KEG-CHUP
EVEN HAS A SNAPPY SLOGAN:
3:02MEANWHILE, "A DELAWARE MAN
HAS BEEN FIRED FROM HIS JOB
3:07AS A SCHOOL BUS DRIVER AFTER
HE ALLEGEDLY WAS CAUGHT ON
3:11SURVEILLANCE CAMERA HAVING
SEX WITH A PROSTITUTE INSIDE
3:15♪ OH, THE WHEELS ON THE BUS
♪ ♪ ARE TRAU-MA-TIZED ♪ ♪
3:19TRAU-MA-TIZED ♪ ♪
TRAU-MA-TIZED ♪ NOT HURTIN'
3:26MEANWHILE, HERE IN NEW YORK
UP AT COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY,
3:29"FR THE FIRST TIME,
SCIENTISTS HAVE BUILT A
3:31ROBOT THAT CANMOVE ITS MOUTH
EXACTLY LIKE A HUMAN," AND
3:34IS "ABLE TO TAKE SPOKEN
AUDIO IN 10 DIFFERENT
3:37LANGUAGES AND SYNCHRONIZE
ITS LIPS NEAR-PERFECTLY."
3:40OKAY, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT
THE ROBOT, CALLED "EMO,"
3:43SPEAK KOREAN AND THEN
ENGLISH.
3:52I AM EMO, A ROBOT DESIGNED
TO SIMULATE EMOTIONS AND
3:56INTERACT WITH HUMANS IN A
MORE NATURAL WAY.
3:59HOW CAN I ASSIST YOU TODAY?
4:01[LAUGHTER] >> Stephen: I'M
NOT SURE THE LIP-SYNCING IS
4:06WHAT EVERYONE'S GONNA
REMEMBER ABOUT THAT.
4:10I'M A ROBOT DESIGNED TO
SIMULATE A TAXI DRIVER FROM
4:14THE BRONX CIRCA 1971.
4:16I'M A CHARMING FIGURE AT
FIRST, BUT I HAVE STRONG
4:19OPINIONS ABOUT IMMIGRANTS.
4:20HONEY, HONEY, HEY, BABY, YOU
SHOULD SMILE MORE."
4:27MEANWHILE, THIS IS THE MOST
HECTIC TIME OF YEAR FOR
4:31THRIFT STORES, EVIDENTLY SO,
IN ORDER TO KEEP THINGS
4:34MANAGEABLE, GOODWILL HAS
SHARED A LIST OF ITEMS NOT
4:36TO DONATE DURING THEIR úBUSY
SEASON, INCLUDING ANYTHING
4:45WHY WOULD YOU DONATE THOSE
THINGSTO BEGIN WITH?
4:49ONE BUSTED LAMP AND A BAG OF
SOUP."
4:56MEANWHILE, NEWS FROM THE
PROCEEDINGS OF THE NATIONAL
4:59ACADEMY OF SCIENCES, OR
"PEE-NAS."
5:05THEY'RE PRETTY EXCITED OVER
AT PNAS BECAUSE SCIENTISTS
5:08HAVE RECOVERED THE OLDEST
EVER WOODEN TOOLS FROM A
5:11SITE IN GREECE, WHICH THEY
SAY "DATES BACK 430,000
5:17OKAY, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT
THE OLDEST KNOWN WOODEN TOOL
5:31CAN I JUST TALK TO THE PNAS
FOLKS FOR JUST A SECOND?
5:42DID YOU SPEND A LOT OF THE
GRANT MONEY ON THIS?
5:48'CAUSE YOU FOUND A STICK.
5:54ON DIAGON ALLEY, YOU GOT
RIPPED OFF.
6:00I WOULD BURY A SPATULA
6:04AND GO BACK AND PRETEND YOU
FOUND IT, 'CAUSE THAT'S A
6:17IT'S NOT, IT'S A STICK.
6:19MEANWHILE, THE EAGLES'
"GREATEST HITS" HAS BECOME
6:22THE FIRST ALBUM IN U.S.
6:23HISTORY TO SELL OVER 40
MILLION UNITS.
6:26ONE MUSIC CRITIC DESCRIBED
THE MILESTONE THIS WAY.
6:30>> I HATE THE [BLEEP]
EAGLES, MAN.
6:33>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK WITH BAD BUNNY AND THE
