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How to Be a Great Listener | Maegan Stephens, Nicole Lowenbraun | TED - Video học tiếng Anh
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How to Be a Great Listener | Maegan Stephens, Nicole Lowenbraun | TED
How to Be a Great Listener | Maegan Stephens, Nicole Lowenbraun | TED
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उपशीर्षक (266)
0:03
Maegan Stephens: Have you ever wanted to say to your boss,
0:06
"Stop talking, you're not listening to me."
0:09
Nicole Lowenbraun: I've actually said that to her face.
0:11
NS: Yep, I am her boss.
0:13
And obviously, I didn't fire her.
0:16
ML: We were locked away in a rental house on a writing retreat,
0:19
all out of snacks,
0:20
behind on the deadline for our very first book about listening,
0:24
so, you know, super low-stress situation.
0:27
MS: I wanted us to make up time and try to hit the deadline.
0:30
NL: And I wanted us to fix the section we had just written
0:33
because it was not good enough.
0:35
But every time I brought it up, Maegan rushed past it
0:37
until finally I snapped,
0:39
"Stop talking, you're not listening to me."
0:41
MS: Yeah, OK, listen, I was listening, obviously.
0:43
I was not scrolling on my phone, and I wasn’t multitasking.
0:47
But there was something else I wasn't doing,
0:49
and it took us three years of researching the way great leaders, managers,
0:54
individual contributors listen to figure it out.
0:57
NL: We asked the question, what makes someone a great listener at work?
1:01
Across dozens of interviews,
1:03
we heard things like,
1:04
"My manager is a great listener
1:06
because she gets just as excited about my big wins as I do."
1:09
MS: "My work wife is a great listener because she tells me
1:13
when it's time to stop whining and to get back to work."
1:16
Now we took all these answers,
1:18
we wrote them out on brightly-colored sticky notes,
1:20
spread them across the dining room table,
1:22
put them into groups, and that's when it hit us.
1:25
NL: It's not that people weren't listening at work,
1:27
it's that there's more than one way to be a great listener at work.
1:31
Great listeners flex,
1:32
they shift, they adapt what's going on in their head and what they say back.
1:37
Because yes, responding is absolutely part of listening.
1:40
MS: And anyone can learn to be a great listener.
1:43
You just have to stop listening the way you want
1:45
and start listening the way they need.
1:48
We call it adaptive listening,
1:50
and when you do it, you build more trust,
1:52
you get better results and you get it all faster.
1:54
And you could start doing it right now.
1:57
NL: Now some of you might be thinking, wait, do you mean active listening?
2:01
No, not quite.
2:02
Don't get us wrong, active listening is valuable.
2:05
But it was created in the 1950s for therapists and counselors,
2:10
not for a busy back-to-back workday with constant pings,
2:14
talking up, down, across, virtually and in-person.
2:17
MS: Yeah, work happens a lot faster than therapy.
2:20
Maybe you know that, we know that, you can trust us.
2:22
And also, there's a lot more interruptions at work.
2:25
And it's the goals that are the biggest difference
2:27
between active and adaptive listening.
2:30
At work,
2:31
every time someone talks to you,
2:33
they have a goal they're trying to achieve,
2:35
whether it's in the mid-morning sync or it's in the quarterly business review,
2:39
or it’s just small talk -- all over the place,
2:41
there is always a goal they are trying to meet.
2:44
NL: Now don't worry, there are not infinite goals for you to learn.
2:47
Adaptive listening narrows it down to just four.
2:50
And the first one might surprise you
2:52
because it doesn't sound like the active listening
2:54
you might be used to.
2:55
We call it discern listening, and here's how it plays out.
2:59
MS: I was once coaching an executive
3:01
who had to give a big, huge, main stage keynote.
3:03
And during the rehearsal, he was giving his talk,
3:05
and there were 17 other people from his team in the room.
3:09
And I heard him say this phrase 22 times, I counted.
3:13
The phrase went like this:
3:15
"It's not just X, it's Y."
3:17
Like, "It's not just more speed, it's more potential."
3:21
NL: Now, Megan and I love contrast framing as a writing tool,
3:24
but she was concerned that people would assume AI wrote his talk
3:28
because all over social media at the time, people were freaking out about that.
3:32
"AI is overusing contrast framing."
3:35
MS: So I said that out loud and he sighed,
3:38
looked at the ground and went,
3:40
"I did have AI write this talk."
3:43
Yeah, so good thing for him and his team I was using discern listening.
3:48
NL: Sometimes at work you have to critique and evaluate.
3:51
If you don't, the product could flop, the campaign could fail,
3:55
the client relationship could fracture.
3:57
But if that kind of listening makes you feel uneasy, that is OK.
4:00
The next one might make you feel more comfortable.
4:03
We call it immerse listening.
4:05
MS: So think back to the first week at your job.
4:08
You probably went through orientation
4:10
where you learned about the company mission,
4:12
the org structure, how to set up your tech.
4:15
What the orientation leader needed was for you to understand
4:18
and remember what they said.
4:20
NL: You know what they didn't need you to do?
4:22
They didn't need you to raise your hand and say,
4:24
“I think this mission needs a rewrite.”
4:26
Or, “This org structure? It’s not working for me.”
4:28
That would be discern listening.
4:30
MS: Yeah, that would also be very rude to do your first week at a new job.
4:33
Immerse listening is the closest to active listening,
4:36
because there are plenty of times at work
4:38
where you just need to soak in all the details,
4:41
as long as you actually remember what you were supposed to remember.
4:44
NL: But again, immerse listening is just one of the ways
4:47
you need to listen at work.
4:48
What about those meetings where time is running out,
4:51
everybody is still debating, and somebody’s got to make a decision?
4:54
MS: Yeah, that is when the person or the group needs advance listening.
4:58
That's listening with a goal of moving people, projects, processes forward.
5:03
So that's listening with a mind of OK, what has to happen next?
5:06
Not listening for what's working or not working, that's discern,
5:09
not listening for what do I need to remember, that's immerse.
5:13
NL: When you know someone is struggling
5:15
and they're up against a deadline,
5:16
you can listen and respond in a way that helps them get unstuck.
5:20
And sometimes, sometimes that means you can interrupt them.
5:24
Are you shocked we just told you great listeners sometimes interrupt?
5:27
MS: Nicole and I were in more of a working session type meeting,
5:30
we were putting together a recommendation that we wanted to pitch our executives,
5:34
and we cared a lot about it.
5:35
We really wanted to get it right, we were working up to the last minute,
5:39
but something just wasn't clicking.
5:41
NL: We were in a virtual meeting, and I ended up with my head in my hands,
5:44
and I said, "Oh, Maegan, this argument just --"
5:46
MS: Flip the order of the main points!
5:48
Yep, I interrupted her right then and there, and she wasn’t mad at me.
5:52
She was relieved because instead of nodding and going
5:54
"Oh man, I know, isn't this frustrating?"
5:57
I read the room.
5:59
I helped her get unstuck,
6:00
and there are plenty of times at work where you are in high-energy,
6:03
high-action meetings
6:05
where everybody is ready to get to the finish line.
6:07
NL: But there are also plenty of times at work
6:10
where people don't need you to move forward with such urgency.
6:13
They don't need you to remember every single detail
6:15
or find all the risks.
6:17
Like what if the team is celebrating a big win
6:20
or somebody has some bad news to share?
6:22
That's where the fourth goal comes in and it comes with a twist.
6:26
MS: So Nicole and I, as direct report-manager,
6:28
have multiple weekly one-on-ones.
6:31
She came to me in a one-on-one
6:32
after she had finished her own client meeting,
6:35
where she had pitched to an executive
6:37
three different creative ways he could open up his presentation.
6:40
And Nicole, what was the feedback you got on that from the client?
6:44
NL: "Nicole it's not that I don't like them,
6:46
it's that I hate them.
6:48
They're all tied for last place."
6:51
MS: Yeah, so, OK, I'm a department head,
6:52
I care a lot about keeping clients happy,
6:54
but I also care about Nicole,
6:56
and I know she has a track record of getting it right.
6:59
So in a split second, I made a call to say,
7:01
"Whoa, you must have felt so thrown."
7:04
NL: And in that split second,
7:05
Megan gave me exactly what I needed: support listening.
7:09
She didn't rush in to fix it, she didn't scold me,
7:12
she didn't probe me with more questions.
7:14
She validated my emotions.
7:17
And don't worry, the client liked my revisions.
7:19
MS: Yeah, that is not the big reveal.
7:21
It's this: support listening is the only type of listening
7:24
that you need to do every single time you listen at work,
7:28
even when the person has you with the goal of, I need you to discern
7:32
or I need you to immerse or I need you to advance,
7:34
they always need you to support.
7:36
NL: A nod of appreciation, a heavy sigh to match theirs,
7:40
sometimes that's all it takes.
7:41
And sometimes they just need you to sit with them.
7:44
MS: So when you take these four goals and you move them into this order,
7:48
they spell the word "said."
7:50
Because at work, you are always listening to what is said
7:53
and even what's not said.
7:55
NL: Ready for a bonus?
7:57
You’re already really good at meeting one of these goals,
8:00
because just like there are four goals,
8:02
there are four listening styles, and they have the same names.
8:06
MS: All right, so the goals: support, advance, immerse, discern,
8:09
that's what someone needs from you.
8:11
The styles: support, advance, immerse, discern,
8:14
that is the way you naturally listen.
8:17
So here's where it gets interesting.
8:18
Now when you know someone’s goal, you get to decide:
8:21
am I going to listen the way that's easier for me,
8:23
or am I going to adapt to help them meet their needs?
8:26
NL: You might have already spotted your SAID listening style,
8:29
but if not, let's go through each one.
8:30
You might be a support listener if you’re listening in a group
8:33
and you get frustrated when not every voice gets a chance to contribute.
8:37
And that's because support listeners prioritize other people's emotions,
8:42
so they want every voice in the room to be heard.
8:45
MS: You might be an advance listener
8:46
if you get frustrated when you get to the end of the meeting
8:49
and no one’s made a decision.
8:51
Or everyone’s looking around going, so what’s next?
8:54
That is because advance listeners prioritize forward momentum.
8:57
And for better or worse, that is me.
9:00
NL: You might be an immerse listener
9:02
if you get frustrated when people start jumping in and offering options
9:06
before all of the context and background has been shared.
9:10
And that's because immerse listeners prioritize the content,
9:13
so they want the full picture.
9:15
MS: And you might be a discern listener
9:17
if you get frustrated when people jump to solutions a little too quickly.
9:21
And that is because discern listeners prioritize evaluation.
9:25
They want to spot all the pitfalls before they give the yes.
9:28
That's Nicole.
9:29
NL: That's me.
9:30
Sometimes I get a reputation for being a naysayer,
9:33
but I swear, I have noble intentions
9:35
because I want to make sure we don't fall face-first
9:37
into a dark hole no one saw coming.
9:39
MS: So sometimes your SAID listening style
9:41
matches up perfectly with the goals, listening is very easy.
9:44
But most of the time you have to learn how to adapt
9:47
to meet someone else's need.
9:48
NL: So the fresh-out-of-college new hire
9:50
knows when it's appropriate to have small talk with that customer
9:54
to build the relationship
9:55
and when it's time to move forward and make the ask to make the sale.
10:00
MS: So that people leaders know when everyone on the team
10:03
is already on the same page, and we can rush ahead.
10:05
And when they are too tired or angry to be productive anymore,
10:09
no matter what they might have said to your face.
10:13
NL: Great listeners, adaptive listeners
10:15
know how to process and respond in the right way,
10:18
at the right time
10:19
for the person speaking to them.
10:21
MS: Yeah, OK, so the opposite of the way I listened to Nicole
10:24
on our writing retreat.
10:26
I was pushing us forward to meet a deadline
10:29
that didn't really matter.
10:30
I needed to be less advance and more discern.
10:33
NL: And I could have done better, too.
10:34
I could have said, "Maegan, I know you're concerned about this deadline,
10:38
I am, too, but, you know, we really have to rewrite this section.
10:41
So let's either do that now or make some time for it later."
10:44
MS: That would have been much kinder.
10:46
But, you know, we hadn't written the book yet,
10:48
so we weren't wise and we were out of snacks,
10:50
so we are going to give each other a pass.
10:52
NL: Because being a great listener at work is hard.
10:54
Work is messy, people are messy, you are all messy.
10:57
But at least now you'll know why that meeting got heated,
11:01
why that project stalled,
11:03
why that one-on-one felt just a little bit off.
11:05
MS: And with just a little bit of practice,
11:07
you'll get it right the first time.
11:09
You'll listen the way your leaders, your direct reports, your customers,
11:13
maybe even your partners and your parents, need.
11:16
You’ll give them what they need,
11:18
And all you’ve got to do is ask yourself one question first.
11:21
What does this person need from me right now?
11:24
That's it.
11:25
NL: That's enough to stop listening the way you want
11:28
and start listening the way they need.
11:31
Want more trust and better, faster results at work?
11:35
Your next opportunity to be a great adaptive listener
11:37
is just one meeting,
11:39
one presentation
11:40
or one writing retreat away.
11:42
MS: Thank you.
11:43
(Applause)
