คำบรรยาย (356)
0:01-Our first guest tonight
is an Emmy-, Grammy-
0:03and Peabody Award-winning
comedian, writer,
0:04and Strike Force Five podcaster
0:06you know from his work
on "The Daily Show,"
0:08"The Colbert Report,"
as well as the host
0:11of "The Late Show
With Stephen Colbert,"
0:12which airs weeknights on CBS.
0:14Please welcome back to the show
my very good friend
0:15Stephen Colbert, everybody!
0:17[ Cheers and applause ]
0:41-Oh, my God,
you have the same rule I have.
0:43You think you have to
sit down second.
0:46-The host --
you do have to sit down second.
0:47-Yeah, I know,
but you kept thinking...
0:49You were trying to make me wait.
0:50But I'm the host.
-I'll tell you the rule...
0:52-I would have waited you out.
0:54-I'll tell you the rule
that I do,
0:56is that I got to do something
0:58I never get to do with
the guests, is that if we hug,
1:00my head just now was downstage.
-Oh!
1:03-I always allow the guest's head
to be downstage.
1:05-That's -- I think I do, too.
1:07-Yeah, well.
-I don't think about it, though.
1:10-I think about everything I do,
1:13I'm crippled. I'm crippled.
1:15-So, none of it comes to you
naturally.
1:17-I'm second-guessing
every action, yes.
1:19And then we go back
and we re-edit the entire show.
1:22I do every moment of the show
three different ways.
1:25We go, "No, no, try this.
Try this.
1:26Give me the B option."
1:28-Well, you were here
10 years ago,
1:29and you actually,
you remarked that you...
1:31This is a moment
where you had exactly what
1:33you're just talking about.
-It's been 10 years?
1:34-10 years,
and you came out on this show
1:36and you had a moment
where you realized...
1:38-10 years ago, I guess...
1:39Had I already gotten
the new gig or was I about to?
1:41-You knew you were doing it,
1:43-I was going,
"Well, I'm going to be
1:44a network
late-night talk-show host.
1:46I don't need to put
any effort in."
1:48-Right.
-I am that guy.
1:50-Yeah, you can just come out
and do anything.
1:52-I'm just kind of, "Whatever,
I'm me. Enjoy that I am."
1:54And I walked out onstage
thinking, "Oh, Seth's a friend.
1:58This is going to be fun. I don't
have to put any effort into it."
2:00And I walked as far as this seat
and I went,
2:02"This is a huge mistake."
2:04"I should really put
any effort into this."
2:07And I think if --
I've watched it.
2:09You can see the moment.
2:11Do you have it?
-Yeah, we have it.
2:12-You watch, you'll see
the moment when I realize
2:14I should be professional
on some level.
2:17You have it?
-Let's take a look.
2:18[ Cheers and applause ]
2:27Happy to be here.
-Thank you.
2:28-Wow!
-Breaking it in.
2:30You're breaking it in.
-Look at this new set.
2:33-That second "wow"
is where I went...
2:35That first "wow" was
not nearly "wow" enough.
2:39-It is wonderful
to have you since...
2:41I mean, in the last year,
2:43you had something
very special happen.
2:44You won the Emmy.
Congratulations.
2:46-Yeah, that was very nice.
That was a lovely night.
2:48-It was a great night.
2:49-Great for the staff
and everything like that.
2:50-Truly lovely. Evie was there.
2:52We had a good time.
So much more fun if you win.
2:55-Oh, my God, yeah.
-Yeah.
2:56-I mean, I will say...
So, I wasn't there
2:58because
we weren't even nominated.
3:04But I am gonna say something
that may...
3:06Well, let me know,
because I think
3:08you might actually
agree with me.
3:09I think it goes like this.
3:10You go and you win...
-Yeah.
3:11...you don't get nominated,
don't have to go...
3:13-Yes.
-...you go and you lose.
3:17-I mean, going and losing...
-'Cause if you go and you...
3:18If you go and you lose,
they're like,
3:21"This is ridiculous.
This is crazy.
3:24Why do we do this?
This is all bull[bleep]."
3:26And then if you go and you win,
you go,
3:28"You know, it's good that we get
together at least once a year
3:31just to celebrate the art form."
3:34Yeah.
And then if you go...
3:35If you're not nominated,
you're like, "Was it tonight?
3:38-But I will say,
like, it was very special,
3:40and I was very happy
when you won.
3:41-It was really lovely.
-And one of the things
3:43that's changed in the last
like three years, you know,
3:46in our category
is that we're all a lot closer
3:48because we did a podcast
together
3:50called Strike Force Five.
3:51-Right, during the strike of
2023, something like that?
3:54-Yeah, that sounds about right.
-That was a lot of fun.
3:56-You, me, Jimmy Fallon,
John Oliver, Jimmy Kimmel.
3:59-Exactly.
-And it was so...
4:00I mean,
I enjoyed it a great deal.
4:01Like, one, we were, you know,
we were making --
4:03we were raising money
for our staffs,
4:05who were currently,
at the time, not working.
4:07-Yeah. 12 episodes,
raised a ton of money.
4:09-And it was really nice
to be closer to everybody
4:12who does this for a living.
-Yeah. You really...
4:14For me,
you really turned a corner.
4:18-I went, "Yeah, I get it."
4:19-You were kind of there...
-"I get it now."
4:21-You were already there
on the other guys.
4:23And I remember the day
you were like,
4:24"Hey, you know
who I was wrong about?"
4:28I shouldn't attack him
when he's not around.
4:30-But it was, I mean...
-We're raising money
4:32right now, actually,
uh, on the new show.
4:36-You're auctioning off items
on eBay
4:38that were connected to
your show, and I was blown away
4:42how successful this has been.
4:43-Over $200,000
we've raised for...
4:46-...World Central Kitchen.
-Great.
4:48-José Andrés'
World Central Kitchen.
4:49-José Andrés, one of the greats.
-Yeah.
4:51-And you auction off ties,
costumes from your show.
4:55-Yeah. Props, uh, tickets to
the final show, stuff like that.
5:02We actually brought something.
-You did.
5:04-I don't know if you're okay...
-And I feel like,
5:05I'm very excited because...
-Are you okay with this?
5:07-Of course.
I mean, it's for a good cause.
5:09I wouldn't let you sell stuff,
like,
5:11if all the money
was going to you.
5:13Like, I wouldn't be okay
with you using
5:15this platform for that.
5:17But if it's a good cause,
you can auction.
5:19This is all
for World Central Kitchen.
5:21We are looking for props
that people might enjoy,
5:22and I've got this thing
that's been rolled up
5:24in the corner of my office
for years.
5:27And I don't know
if you guys remember,
5:29there used to be senator
from Arizona named Jeff Flake.
5:30He was a Republican senator.
5:32Very nice, really lovely,
reasonable guy.
5:33And I went to go see him
years ago.
5:35I forgot
why I was interviewing him,
5:37a bunch of people
on Capitol Hill.
5:39I think it was the last time
I went to DC.
5:41And I'm riding around Capitol
Hill on a Segway or something,
5:43trying to look for
somebody to talk to me.
5:47He had a little area rug
in his office
5:49that said "US Senate."
5:52May I?
-Yeah, yeah, please.
5:53-Can we see this, please?
5:55Why did they give you
such a small rug?
5:57-[ Chuckles ]
-There's not even...
6:00There's not even room for
6:01the "unum"
on the "E Pluribus" here.
6:04-You know, that's what you get
when you're a freshman, I guess.
6:07-Do you get to keep the rug?
-'Fraid not.
6:09-This has to stay behind you?
-This does.
6:11-So, if I took it with me today,
that would be a problem?
6:19-We got it right there.
-We have it right here.
6:21[ Cheers and applause ]
6:28I tied a really tight knot
in this.
6:32Trust me, this is the rug.
6:34-You're so mad you didn't bring
your knot guy with you.
6:37-You have editors.
Okay, so here it is.
6:39-It's beautiful.
-Here's the rug.
6:40[ Cheers and applause ]
6:43This is stolen.
-Yeah.
6:44-If you would like
to aid and abet me,
6:47if you'd like to be
an accomplice in a federal crime
6:50from stealing this
from Capitol Hill...
6:51Do we have the, uh...?
6:53-Yeah, we're gonna
put it up there. There you go.
6:54-Colbertlateshow/eBay
or go to that QR code,
6:56and you can, uh...
-You can bid.
6:57-You can bid on this.
-You can get a stolen goods.
6:59-Yes. This is...
This is -- this is a late...
7:03"Late Night with Seth Meyers"
exclusive.
7:06-Alright, I have two questions
based on that.
7:08One, uh, you look pretty good
on a Segway.
7:11That's not...
That's not digital effects.
7:12How are you on a Segway?
7:14-It's a skill,
like anything else.
7:15Have you never ridden
a Segway before?
7:17-I've never ridden a Segway.
-There's nothing easier
in the world.
7:19I almost decapitated
an audience member
7:21with a Segway once.
-Okay, so there maybe is
7:25-I literally fell off of it,
7:26and it shot into the audience
7:28and barely went by
somebody's head.
7:29And I got a note from the lawyer
from the network saying,
7:33"You may not ride your Segway
onstage ever again."
7:35-That's very fair.
Also, you mentioned
7:36that's in the corner
of your office.
7:38Are you somebody who -- is
your office just sort of filled
7:40with the detritus
of 10 years of doing a show?
7:42-It's a compost heap.
Yeah, yeah.
7:44-And I feel like,
uh, is this similar to you?
7:46Like, we get gifted a lot
of things
7:48that are, like, too nice
to throw away,
7:50but not nice enough
to do anything with.
7:52-Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Yeah.
7:53Just, like,
really nice gestures that,
7:55like, nobody in your family
7:57wants you to bring it back
to the home.
7:58-No. And a lot of liquor.
8:02I've started giving
stuff away to my staff.
8:04We do a drawing every Thursday.
8:05-Yeah.
-And I just...
8:06I'm just giving stuff away
to the staff, too.
8:08-That's very nice of you.
8:09Um, I have something
to give you.
8:10-What? Really?
-So, I do a thing on my show
8:12called Corrections.
-Oh, I love it.
8:14I have a jackal mug.
-Thank you.
8:15Oh, you have a jackal mug?
-I went, I paid...
8:17I paid with my own money
to get a jackal mug. I love it.
8:20-That's very kind of you
to say.
8:21And some people --
we have a P.O. box,
8:23and people send something in.
8:24And so, I got an invitation
to a wedding,
8:28It was Lord of the Rings themed.
Like, if you can see...
8:31And like, look,
they've got, like,
8:32a little map
that looks like it's burned.
8:34-Ohh!
-And it's really great.
8:36-You got invited to a wedding?
8:37-And no, I didn't.
So, I thought I did.
8:39And then I opened up
an envelope --
8:41sent to my P.O. box --
8:42that starts,
"Dear Stephen Colbert."
8:44[ Laughter and applause ]
8:47This was mailed to me.
8:49And by the way, at no...
8:51Look, at no point does it ever
say, like, "Thanks, Seth."
8:53It's like literally, they
just assumed I'd give it to you.
8:56So, anyway,
March 20th in California,
8:59if you want to go.
-Oh, March 20th and 26th.
9:02They're getting married twice.
-Twice. Is that...
9:05Is that something that happens
in your weird hobbit world?
9:12-I don't know,
I didn't get to the...
9:13I didn't get
to any of the wedding scenes.
9:15-No, I actually have no idea.
9:16-Can you read, uh, hobbit-ese?
9:18Like, I mean, by the way,
this is...
9:19But, like...
-Yeah, that just says,
9:20"Elen síla lúmenn' omentielvo,"
9:22which means "a star shines
on the hour of our meeting,"
9:24but that's basic [bleep]
right there.
9:26[ Laughter and applause ]
9:28I mean, that's what Gildor...
9:31That's what Frodo says
to Gildor Inglorion
9:33of the House of Finrod when
they first meet at Woodhall.
9:36-I knew it sounded familiar.
-Yeah.
9:38-Um, but I did...
-Thank you. Do I...
9:40Is this really?
-Yeah. You can keep it.
9:41I reached out to, um,
9:46which is what I call
the people who give comments.
9:48And I said last week, "Hey,
Colbert's coming on the show,"
9:49because sometimes
in my YouTube comments,
9:52people are like, "Hey,
9:53will you tell Stephen
he made this mistake?"
9:54Because Corrections
is the place...
9:56Do you want to hear 'em or not?
-They attack me through you?
10:00They gently correct.
-Yes, they do. They're jackals.
10:02-Yeah, they are jackals.
They are attacking.
10:03Would you like to hear some
of the things that people said
10:05you've gotten wrong?
-I'm hesitant to say yes,
10:07but please, I would like
to hear from the jackals.
10:08-"Stephen said one time
that the Great Wall of China
10:10can be seen with the naked eye
from space, which is untrue."
10:15-I'm sure you're right.
10:17-See, it's -- See, it's fun.
10:19-I'm sure. [ Laughs ]
I'm sure it is.
10:22And you...
Okay, go ahead.
10:24-This is one I get all the time.
10:26Uh, you have a segment called
Monkey News "or something."
10:28By the way,
I love how they're so specific,
10:30and they're like,
"I don't have time to google."
10:31-It's called
"This Is a Monkey-mergency."
10:33It's whenever there's
an escaped primate of any kind.
10:35-Yeah, you do it
like twice a week.
10:37-We have a monkey-mergency.
Yeah.
10:38-"Your monkey emergency, uh,
has a chimpanzee in the graphic,
10:41which is an ape, not a monkey."
10:46-Hey, man...
-I know.
10:47-Does it eat bananas?
10:50That's my question to you.
10:51Does it eat bananas?
10:53-"Please tell Stephen Colbert
it is 'a historic,'
10:56not 'an historic.'"
-Oh, no!
10:58It is "an historic evening."
10:59Same way you would say,
"Oh, I enjoy,
11:02I enjoy listening
to an harmonica."
11:05Is that really how you'd say it?
11:07-That's how I would say it.
-But nobody...
11:09-Can I say something?
-I've always said "an historic."
11:11What?
-But the problem is, like,
11:13enjoy listening to an harmonica?
11:18-It's better than an tambourine.
11:21-Oh, "Bluey's a girl,
not a boy."
11:22-I did not know that.
11:26I'm not laying that on Bluey.
-Yeah, yeah. That's great.
11:29And, by the way,
why would you know it?
11:30Your kids are like, ehhh...
-40.
11:32-Yeah, they're like
40 years old.
11:34-I have triplets.
They're all 40.
11:36-Uh, hey, stick around.
11:38I got a lot more to ask
Stephen Colbert after this.
