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The 6 Essential Ingredients of Loving Relationships | Sara Nasserzadeh | TED - Video học tiếng Anh
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The 6 Essential Ingredients of Loving Relationships | Sara Nasserzadeh | TED
The 6 Essential Ingredients of Loving Relationships | Sara Nasserzadeh | TED
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0:04
Let me tell you about Claire.
0:06
Claire is 42, a sharp executive.
0:09
On paper, her marriage is perfect.
0:12
And in my office, she whispered,
0:15
"I feel nothing."
0:17
And then she asked me,
0:19
"Am I asking for too much?"
0:22
Max is 38,
0:24
a founder who has lived happily with Allie for the past four years.
0:29
And yet, he found himself in my office asking me,
0:33
"Do you think she's the one?"
0:35
We all carry stories about how love should be, feel and look like.
0:41
I see this through the lens of my work as a relational psychotherapist,
0:46
psychosexual therapist and social psychologist.
0:50
In the past 20 years,
0:52
I've helped more than thousands of people across the world
0:56
to help them make sense of their relationships
0:58
from the most intimate spaces
1:00
to the most public ones.
1:02
Today, I want you lovelies to look at me as your relationship architect.
1:08
Because I'm here to offer you a blueprint that is evidence-informed
1:13
and is going to introduce you to a whole new model of love
1:16
so that you can develop the loving relationships you desire
1:20
without second-guessing yourself,
1:22
the other person or the relationship.
1:25
I hope you're ready.
1:28
So my colleague and I studied 450 couples
1:32
who've been together anywhere from one
1:34
to 40 years.
1:37
And these couples showed us six essential ingredients.
1:42
And after we analyzed 180,000 data points about them,
1:48
we came up with these six ingredients,
1:49
but also, surprisingly,
1:51
we found out about a whole new model of love
1:54
that I call “emergent love,”
1:56
because it can only exist
1:58
when the six ingredients
1:59
that are essential for thriving relationships
2:02
are present.
2:04
Imagine it as a warm and cozy fire
2:07
that can only be alive
2:09
when all the essential elements are there to keep it going.
2:13
Now when I walk you through these six ingredients,
2:16
you might say, "Oh, they sound familiar,"
2:18
but there's a twist
2:19
because our thriving couples embody them and define them differently.
2:24
Number one is attraction.
2:27
For thriving couples,
2:29
attraction is way beyond sexual chemistry.
2:32
It's only one of the reasons that they come together.
2:34
And in this way,
2:35
attraction is a renewable energy
2:38
because it wants you to be around the person
2:41
and explore new ways of being with them and re-knowing them.
2:47
On the other hand, sexual chemistry is a fleeting biological desire
2:52
that can fizzle out
2:54
when the initial infatuation phase is over.
2:59
I'll tell you what,
3:00
when the novelty part of the relationship is over,
3:03
if you want to chase the chemistry,
3:05
it's as if you're tickling yourself.
3:08
It just doesn't work.
3:10
And then we are convinced
3:11
that we fell out of love with our loved one
3:15
or we chose wrong.
3:17
There is also a daily practice that we observe in thriving couples
3:20
that they didn't name it,
3:22
but in social psychology we have a term for it.
3:24
It's called reciprocal liking.
3:27
What it is basically,
3:28
is if I think that you like me, I like you back.
3:32
It's more likely that I like you back.
3:35
Now these daily signals need to change as we change over time.
3:40
Really think about it.
3:41
Between diaper duty and deadlines,
3:43
where is that signal that says, “I like you?”
3:47
“I’m into this version of you, now.”
3:51
Number two is respect.
3:53
Respect literally means to look again.
3:56
So basically, it's the opposite of taking anyone, including yourself,
4:00
for granted.
4:02
And obedience,
4:03
walking on eggshells, is not respect.
4:06
They are fear.
4:09
Thriving couples have basic etiquette.
4:13
They say hello in the mornings.
4:16
They say good night before they call it a night.
4:19
They don't interrupt.
4:21
They don’t walk away mid-conversation.
4:24
And they don’t cover up sarcasm as humor.
4:28
I often hear, “I’m not respected by my partner.”
4:31
And I ask, "Are you respectable?"
4:34
And there's a pause.
4:36
I say, "Look, do you live by your own principles,
4:38
or are you the first person walking all over them?"
4:42
Do you communicate your boundaries as invitations
4:45
so the other person knows how to be around you
4:47
lovingly, firmly and on time,
4:49
or as passive aggressive ultimatums?
4:52
And do you equally have regard for the other person's boundaries?
4:56
Thriving couples are both respectable and respectful.
5:02
Number three is trust.
5:04
We found that trust has two main pillars.
5:08
One of them is consistency, and one of them is reliability.
5:13
So you have to really be able to have both.
5:17
Now thriving couples know that trust is built and rebuilt
5:23
based on little promises kept over time.
5:26
Not grand and expansive and expensive apologies.
5:33
Think of it this way.
5:35
That you need to show up for one another,
5:37
no matter how big or small the stakes are.
5:40
You can't leave the other person hanging.
5:42
Think about that unpaid bill.
5:44
Think about the second drink you chug down
5:47
and you don't even remember it.
5:49
Think about the private story that was shared public.
5:53
Think about the harmless DMs and likes.
5:58
Number four is compassion, not empathy.
6:02
If empathy is feeling with the other,
6:05
compassion is feeling for the other without losing your own ground.
6:10
Our couples told us
6:11
that overemphasizing and overidentifying can kill your relationship,
6:16
can really drain your relationship.
6:19
Yes, there are moments
6:20
that you would like to commiserate with each other
6:23
or feel those juicy sensations
6:25
when you have erotic empathy with one another.
6:27
But for daily lives, everyday life,
6:30
compassion is the default for these couples.
6:34
Picture this.
6:35
I come home upset.
6:37
You match my intensity to the level that you lose it with me.
6:41
If we are both bleeding, who gets the band-aid?
6:45
So thriving couples can be there for the other
6:48
without making the scenario about themselves.
6:52
Next one is shared vision.
6:55
You need to know where you are going individually and as a couple.
6:59
At least know where you don't want to end up.
7:02
Otherwise, your resources will be scattered,
7:04
and resentment will be inevitable.
7:08
Thriving couples have plans for their days, weeks and years ahead.
7:13
They name a destination,
7:14
and then they prioritize their resources of time,
7:18
energy, attention and money,
7:19
and they commit to them.
7:21
So their daily choices are strategies, not tug of war.
7:26
They also negotiate often what movies to watch tonight.
7:31
They compromise sometimes.
7:33
This holiday at my parents', the other one at yours.
7:38
They sacrifice rarely.
7:41
For example, let's have this relationship long-distance for two years
7:45
until your degree is over.
7:48
They make it time-bound.
7:50
Specific, rewarded, not expected.
7:54
Last but not least is the loving behaviors.
7:58
Loving behaviors show us you don't fall out of love.
8:03
You fall out of loving.
8:06
So one thing that we learned is
8:07
loving, thriving relationships is not unconditional or a given.
8:12
When was the last time that you went out of your way for your partner?
8:18
Do you give each other the benefit of the doubt?
8:21
Thriving couples are tender with their touch, with their words,
8:25
with their presence,
8:26
and they make them exclusive and specific to each other,
8:29
even if other people are in the mix.
8:31
So, for example, if they say "honey,"
8:33
their dog and partner and mom and neighbor,
8:35
everybody don't show up all at the same time.
8:38
(Laughter)
8:41
There you have it, lovelies.
8:43
I offered you an evidence-informed blueprint to build thriving relationships
8:49
so love has a chance to emerge.
8:51
You build what fits your life.
8:54
And tonight we talked about coupledom.
8:56
But trust me, I've seen it over and over again,
8:59
if you master these six ingredients,
9:02
you will rise in all of your relationships.
9:05
Because the way we do one relationship
9:07
is the way we do them all.
9:09
And if you're going to take one thing out of our time together tonight,
9:13
let it be this.
9:15
Everyone can
9:17
and deserves
9:18
to be in the loving relationships they desire.
9:22
Thank you.
9:23
(Applause)
