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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
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Trump Plans to End War with One-Page Memo, Hegseth Says Iran Doesn't Have "Kamikaze Dolphins"
Trump Plans to End War with One-Page Memo, Hegseth Says Iran Doesn't Have "Kamikaze Dolphins"
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Phụ đề (211)
0:00
-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
0:03
This is it.
0:05
[ Cheers and applause ]
0:08
Well, hey, this is great. Today is Nurses Appreciation Day.
0:12
That's what I'm talking about. [ Cheers and applause ]
0:14
Thank you. Thank you.
0:17
Nurses, you have one of the toughest jobs.
0:20
You're the ones who have to say,
0:22
"Mr. President, the gown is supposed to open in the back."
0:24
Yes. [ Laughter ]
0:27
Yes. You're the ones who have to butter the MRI machine
0:29
so that the president can squeeze in and out.
0:31
You know? [ Laughter ]
0:33
You're the ones who have to weigh the president
0:35
and then write down the number he gives you.
0:37
You know? [ Laughter ]
0:39
On the bright side, doctors are the ones
0:40
who have to hold his ballroom while he coughs.
0:42
So that's -- -Whoa!
0:44
[ Laughter ] -Well, speaking of Trump,
0:46
I read that he's now working on a one-page memo
0:48
to end the war in Iran.
0:50
[ Laughter ]
0:52
A one-page memo.
0:54
There's more paperwork involved
0:55
sending your kid to a trampoline park.
0:57
I mean, what is he talking -- [ Laughter ]
1:00
Well, this week, the White House claimed
1:01
that Operation Epic Fury was over,
1:03
and that they were moving on to a new phase
1:05
of the war called Project Freedom.
1:08
We actually got a recording of Trump
1:11
and his staff talking about it in the Oval Office.
1:12
Watch this.
1:56
That's it. It's all we get.
1:57
It all worked out eventually.
1:59
[ Applause ]
2:04
And did you see this?
2:06
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth just denied a report
2:09
that Iran is using "kamikaze dolphins"
2:12
in the Strait of Hormuz, but said the U.S. military might be.
2:16
[ Laughter ]
2:18
And if kamikaze dolphins don't work,
2:20
they're going to send in Cocaine Bear, so...
2:23
Kamikaze dolphins. Switching gears,
2:25
I saw that the sports betting company Kalshi
2:27
has launched features to keep kids off the website.
2:30
Yep. They just put out this commercial.
2:32
Check this out.
2:33
-Here at Kalshi, users can bet on anything
2:35
from sports to real-world events,
2:37
and we're implementing face ID and two-factor authentication
2:40
to keep kids off our platforms,
2:41
but we're not stopping there.
2:43
Introducing the Kalshi Cringe Adult.
2:45
-What up, fam? Skibidi rizz!
2:48
-Oh, no, it's the Kalshi Cringe Adult.
2:50
-Now if your kids try to make a bet,
2:52
the Kalshi Cringe Adult will interfere.
2:54
-Let's do $500 on the Knicks.
2:56
-No cap, dude, that bet was bussing.
2:59
Plus 1,000 aura points, my guy.
3:01
-[ Scoffs ] Never mind.
3:03
-They're not gonna want to come anywhere near our website.
3:06
-$300 on Scottie Scheffler.
3:08
-Bro, that is a slay choice,
3:11
not sauce and not delulu in the slightest.
3:14
Uh, is somebody sigmaing right now?
3:17
You are, bro!
3:19
-Who's this unc? [ Scoffs ]
3:21
-And that goes for any sport.
3:22
-Let's bet on the World Cup.
3:24
-Chat, I'll tell you what you should bet.
3:27
6-7!
3:30
-Let's go outside.
3:32
-Kalshi -- committed to keeping sports betting
3:34
safe and kid-free.
3:35
-Deuces guys.
3:37
-I think it'll work. I think that'll work.
3:39
[ Applause ]
3:40
[ Laughter ]
3:44
Oh, my God.
3:46
Well, some entertainment news --
3:47
I read that Taylor Swift just filed to trademark her voice,
3:50
taking the first legal steps against AI and deepfakes.
3:53
-Ooh! -Wow. Maybe I should do
3:55
something like that before someone steals my voice.
3:57
-[ Jimmy's voice ] Too late, Jimmy.
3:58
-Sorry, who said that?
4:00
-[ Lipsyncing as Jimmy ] I did, Jimmy.
4:02
Unfortunately, you didn't trademark your voice,
4:03
so now it's mine.
4:04
Hashtag sorry not sorry.
4:06
-What? Come on, man. That's my voice.
4:08
You can't just steal it. -Well, I can, and I did.
4:12
[ Laughs ]
4:13
Besides, I kind of dig it.
4:15
I feel like it works with my whole vibe, you know?
4:18
[ Laughter ]
4:19
-Can I at least buy it back?
4:21
I mean, how much do you want?
4:22
-Mm. Well, I am kind of hungry.
4:25
How's 10 bucks for a couple slices of pizza?
4:29
-10 bucks? That's a little steep.
4:30
What about 5 bucks? -Let's meet in the middle.
4:34
How's 8 bucks?
4:36
-6 bucks.
4:38
-7 bucks and you throw in a root beer.
4:40
-Okay. Deal. Do you want cash?
4:42
-[ Normal voice ] Nah, just Venmo me.
4:44
-Thanks, I appreciate it.
4:45
Enjoy the pizza.
4:46
[ Applause ]
4:55
And finally, a 49-year-old man beat a world record by pulling
4:59
an over-20,000-pound bus with his neck.
5:01
Yeah, like everyone else,
5:03
he tried to avoid touching anything
5:04
on the bus with his hands.
5:05
We have a great show.
5:07
Give it up for The Roots right now.
5:08
[ Cheers and applause ]
5:10
-♪ Come on down, all my rings was glowing around my neck ♪
5:13
♪ All of the ropes were showing ♪
5:15
♪ Went outside to the...♪
5:16
♪ With the BBS wheels on all four sides ♪
5:20
-Oh! -Wait!
5:21
What a show we have for you tonight.
5:23
He's the best frontman in the history of rock 'n' roll.
5:26
His band, The Rolling Stones, have a new album
5:29
out July 10th called "Foreign Tongues."
5:32
Mick Jagger is here tonight!
5:35
[ Cheers and applause ] What are you talking about?
5:36
What are you doing? What do you mean?
5:39
Come on!
5:41
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
5:44
"Foreign Tongues," July 10th.
5:46
We're doing something fun with him a little later in the show.
5:48
So stick around for that.
5:50
Also, he's an Academy Award-winning actor
5:52
who is starring in the new film "Pressure,"
5:54
which is in theaters May 29th.
5:56
Brendan Fraser is here tonight!
5:59
-Love that man. -The best.
6:00
[ Cheers and applause ]
6:03
She stars in the Apple TV series "Imperfect Women,"
6:06
which is streaming now.
6:08
Kate Mara is joining us.
6:10
[ Cheers and applause ]
6:12
And we've got great music from Trueno!
6:16
[ Cheers and applause ]
6:21
Guys, it is time for "Tonight Show Hashtags."
6:24
Here we go.
6:25
-♪ Hashtags ♪
6:29
♪ Hashtags ♪
6:34
-So, with Mother's Day coming up this weekend,
6:36
I sent out the #MomQuotes
6:39
and asked you to post some funny or weird things
6:41
that your mom has said.
6:42
Within minutes, it was a trending topic in the U.S.,
6:44
so thank you for playing along with us.
6:46
[ Cheers and applause ]
6:48
And now I thought I'd share some of my favorite mom quotes
6:51
from you guys. Alright, here we go.
6:53
This first one is from @Kadija?
6:56
Kadedja? She said...
7:02
-Oh.
7:04
Wow.
7:06
-Is that a compliment? Yeah, I don't know.
7:09
I've never heard that one.
7:10
This next one is from @John -- wait.
7:14
"Talk the balls off a pool table."
7:16
There you go. -Left ball, side pocket.
7:19
-This next one is from @Johnzimbo2.
7:22
His mom once said...
7:28
-Whoa!
7:31
-This next one is from @sueb8785.
7:35
She said...
7:43
That makes me -- Thanks, Mom.
7:45
This next one is from @Birdietweets16.
7:48
She said...
7:58
I don't know if I know what --
7:59
I don't think I know what that means.
8:00
-I don't know what that means.
8:01
Jerk a knot in your -- oh, I guess...
8:03
with a pool table.
8:04
[ Laughter ]
8:06
Right? -I don't know, man.
8:07
I don't think that's anything to do with the pool table.
8:10
This next one is from @AnneyZeeBoyee.
8:14
[ Laughter ]
8:16
She said...
8:21
[ Laughter ]
8:24
Wow!
8:26
Mom quotes. -Wow, Mom.
8:27
-Never heard that quote, but wow.
8:29
-Me, neither. Wow.
8:32
Whew! -This next one is from @GLewiii.
8:34
He said...
8:44
[ Laughter ]
8:47
-Bun? Bun's. -Bun's eye.
8:50
-Yeah. -Like the bun in his eye.
8:52
-This one -- This next one is from @Ole075.
8:55
He said...
9:01
[ Laughter ]
9:05
Finally, this last one is from @BrendanBurkeNRT.
9:07
His mom always said...
9:11
There you have it.
9:12
Those are our "Tonight Show Hashtags."
9:14
Stick around. When we come back,
9:15
we're doing something fun with Mick Jagger.
9:17
Come on back, more "The Tonight Show."
