Untertitel (174)
0:03[This talk contains graphic language
and descriptions of abuse]
0:08Do you ever wonder who you are
beyond your job, your titles,
0:13your accomplishments?
0:15This is the question
I was forced to confront
0:17when the company I'd spent a decade
pouring my soul into shut down.
0:23My work had been my entire identity,
0:27I didn't know who I was anymore.
0:30Ten years earlier,
I had co-founded Embrace,
0:33a social enterprise that created
a low-cost portable incubator
0:38for premature babies
in underserved communities.
0:41Our technology could work
without constant electricity,
0:44making it usable
in remote parts of the world.
0:48We set an audacious goal:
to save a million babies.
0:54where over 20 percent of all
the world's premature babies are born,
0:57and I made that mission my life.
1:01Over the years,
we saved thousands of babies.
1:05who was abandoned on a street
weighing just two and a half pounds.
1:09He was rescued by an orphanage
and kept inside our incubator for weeks.
1:17I visited the orphanage
and I held him in my arms.
1:22A few months after that,
he was adopted by a family in Chicago.
1:27Stories like this kept me going.
1:30Along the way, we were recognized
by President Obama
1:33and funded by Beyonce.
1:37Our work was featured in headlines
all over the world.
1:41On the outside, it looked
like a success story.
1:45But the truth was, on the inside,
1:48I felt like I was drowning in stress,
exhaustion, self-doubt.
1:54The work weighed so heavily on me,
1:56there were moments I felt
like I could barely breathe.
2:01after countless setbacks
from manufacturing to distribution
2:05to funding challenges,
2:07we had to shut down the company.
2:11I hit the lowest point of my life.
2:13I was having panic attacks,
I was depressed, I couldn't sleep,
2:16I felt completely broken
in mind, body and spirit.
2:21So I decided to set off
on a healing journey.
2:25I packed a surfboard and a suitcase,
2:27and I bought a one-way
ticket to Indonesia,
2:29where I threw myself into healing
2:31with the same intensity
I'd once poured into my company.
2:34I was willing to do anything
because this was a matter of survival.
2:40I was going to heal
the shit out of myself.
2:46I meditated for days in silence
in the jungle until I hallucinated.
2:51Although I'm pretty sure
those cockroaches on steroids were real.
2:56I did psychedelic journeys.
2:59I dove with sharks
so I could learn to relax.
3:03I don't know why I couldn't just
get a massage like a normal person.
3:08I burned holes in my leg
for a frog poison ceremony.
3:11It was supposed to purge my past.
3:14Instead, I think I purged everything
I'd ever eaten in my entire life.
3:20But the real breakthroughs came only
when I began to confront my childhood.
3:25Growing up, my father showed his love
by pushing me to excel.
3:29I remember in second grade,
on weekend mornings,
3:32I would cuddle with him
3:33and he would warm my cold feet under his
3:35as he quizzed me on my times tables.
3:39Thanks to those drills,
3:40I won all the math
competitions in my class.
3:43When I didn't meet his expectations,
3:50When I was 12 years old,
3:51I came home from school one day
and I decided to read my history book
3:56It was a beautiful sunny day.
3:59When my father came home and saw this,
he flew into a rage.
4:03He decided homework
shouldn't be done on a lawn,
4:06it should be done at a desk.
4:11And he demanded that I apologize.
4:15I refused because
for the first time in my life,
4:17I knew I had done nothing wrong.
4:20I also knew I was utterly powerless.
4:24As I did this healing work,
4:25I finally connected the dots.
4:28Feeling so powerless
throughout my childhood
4:31had driven me to help
the most powerless people in the world.
4:35My pain had become my purpose.
4:39But it had also become my shadow.
4:41No matter how many babies I saved
or how much recognition I received,
4:45I never felt like I was enough.
4:49Sometimes our trauma
gets channeled into drive,
4:53perfectionism, overwork.
4:56Some people numb their pain
with substances.
4:59I numbed mine with productivity.
5:02I cared deeply about my work,
5:04but I also believe that my worth
depended on what I achieved.
5:11I finally stopped trying
to achieve my way out of pain.
5:15Here's how I found my way back to myself.
5:19First, I slowed down
and I just let myself feel.
5:24For most of my life, I had disconnected
from my emotions to survive.
5:28Research shows most of us do this.
5:30We avoid painful emotions
through working, drinking, social media
5:34and other endless distractions.
5:37But when we suppress our emotions,
they don't go away.
5:40They actually resurface more intensely,
5:43often as anxiety, depression or burnout.
5:47So I let myself feel it all.
5:50I got really comfortable
with being uncomfortable.
5:54I sobbed until I had no more tears left.
5:58I trembled with fear.
6:04I learned you can't think
your way out of pain.
6:06You can't work your way out of it.
6:08You have to feel your way through it.
6:12Second, I learned to let go of outcomes.
6:15Everything is constantly changing.
6:17The only thing that is certain
is uncertainty.
6:20Nothing teaches me
this lesson more viscerally
6:22than being in the ocean,
6:24where my conditions are changing
moment to moment,
6:26based on the winds, the tides, the swells.
6:29Because of this,
it's so important to be present
6:32and to not be attached to anything,
including outcomes.
6:36I realized I'd become so attached
to an outcome for Embrace
6:40that I pushed past all my limits,
6:42and when the company failed,
it shattered my sense of self.
6:46I now know I'm not defined
by my external successes or failures.
6:51It's who I am on the inside
that truly matters.
6:55Am I acting with love?
6:58Am I giving to others?
7:00I can't control the waves,
but I can choose how I want to ride them.
7:06And lastly, I learned self-compassion.
7:09I did this through recognizing
all the different parts of myself.
7:14The warrior who had fought every battle.
7:17One of my exes nicknamed
this part of me “Jane-ghis” Khan.
7:23The overachiever who had pushed me
to work past exhaustion.
7:28I discovered the part
they were protecting,
7:32the little girl inside me
7:34who was so scared
that she wasn't enough.
7:39For so long, I wanted everyone else
to show her that she was worthy.
7:46So I finally turned towards her
7:49and I finally said the things
that she had always needed to hear.
7:57You didn't deserve that.
8:08I now know resilience
isn't about toughness.
8:12It's about tenderness.
8:14It's about treating
ourselves with compassion
8:17and knowing deep in our bones
that we are enough just as we are,
8:22beyond our achievements
or even our purpose.
8:27I once thought
healing meant fixing myself.
8:30Now I know it means loving myself.
8:33And this is so important
8:35because the relationship
we have with ourselves
8:38shapes every other
relationship in our lives,
8:43both personally and professionally.
8:47In a miraculous turn of events,
8:52As of this year, it's impacted
over a million babies.
8:57(Applause and cheers)
9:06I'm so proud of this accomplishment,
9:09but what I'm most proud of
9:12is learning to embrace myself.
