Subtitles (177)
0:00Hey Aubrey, how's it going? I'm great.
Lindsay, how are you doing? Good. Aubrey,
0:04have you ever been around someone that was really
riled up and you had to deescalate the situation?
0:10Has that ever happened to you? Yes, I I feel like
I've told this story here, but when I was at an
0:14airport and someone was really mad that my friend
had been like peeling the paint on the window and
0:20I think I did. I sort of, you know, used a couple
of phrases to try and deescalate to try and get
0:24she's still we the security had to come over. It
was a whole issue. It doesn't happen very often,
0:30but every now and then someone can get really
angry. Well, I would also say airports are a
0:35hot button place for that. If someone's flight's
delayed or cancelled, they're upset about other
0:41things and maybe taking it out on someone else.
Yeah, you have to be really careful in airports
0:45especially or or boarding a plane, you know,
putting your suitcase up there and yeah, if you
0:50accidentally bump someone or oh my god, these days
people just go off, right? They just go off. Um,
0:56but today's episode is all about this, you know,
how can we deescalate the temperature, right? Um,
1:04and this comes from a question from Makoto,
right? A situation that our student Makoto was in.
1:08Aubrey, can you tell us about this? Yes. So, this
was really interesting. He asked about this at
1:13Open Conversation Club. He is a basketball referee
and he was saying he has difficulty knowing what
1:18to say when players get really riled up. Like if
he calls a foul, they might yell, "I didn't touch
1:24him." And then often anything a ref could say
they just get more angry or more emotional. So it
1:31was interesting. We had a really interesting chat
about it. Um and how often referees just have to
1:36say that's the way it is and walk away. They can't
really engage. But for the rest of us in regular
1:41life, if this happens and someone's riled up,
meaning they're very emotional or angry, we need
1:48phrases to deescalate the situation. Whether this
is happening at work or in our daily lives. All of
1:53us have seen those Tik Tok videos where someone's
getting so angry and everyone just starts filming
1:57them. Oh, I hate that. I hate that culture of just
It's so revoling that everyone just takes their
2:05phone and starts filming. It's right. And then
someone probably just gets angrier and angrier
2:09the more phones they see filming them. Of course.
Of course. No one wants to be on film. But yeah,
2:15but the truth is we can't always just walk away.
So we do need these skills. So, it's kind of
2:20conflict management going on here, right? We can't
always just walk away from the situation. So,
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2:46English. Yes. Absolutely. And you're exactly
right, Lindsay, that for when you do care about
2:52the connection, maybe it's a co-orker, a friend,
or a family member, you don't want to just walk
2:57away. You need these strategies to deescalate.
You need the phrases that you could say to try and
3:02resolve the issue. Exactly. So, we're putting this
into a couple of buckets of things we might want
3:09to do. And the first bucket today is acknowledging
feelings. Of course, it's not just for children,
3:14right? All human beings need to have their
feelings acknowledged. Absolutely right. And
3:19it's amazing how that might just immediately
calm someone down if they feel like their
3:23feelings are being validated, that someone
else understands why they're upset, right? So,
3:27you might just say something like, "I understand
that you're upset." And this just validates their
3:32emotions without even agreeing necessarily. Yeah.
I understand that you're upset or I understand why
3:38you're upset. Right. Both would work. Or I can see
why you'd feel that way. And we're using the you
3:45would you I can see why you'd feel that way. This
shows empathy. It can calm defensiveness or anger,
3:53right? Just to have one person acknowledging that
they're not crazy, right? That what they're saying
3:58makes sense or is justified or it sounds like
this is important to you, right? So that yeah,
4:05that appeals to the person's values and it kind
of looks past their rage, right? Hey, it focuses
4:13on validating their perspective. Yeah. Rather, you
know, rather than the conflict. It sort of takes
4:19the focus off the conflict and puts it on us as
people. Like, I understand your perspective. And
4:25I have a feeling if any of our listeners work in
really probably anything like customer service or
4:30even retail, they may have been trained in some
of this, right? especially nowadays to have these
4:36phrases to how to deescalate in a situation where
a customer is really upset. Exactly. Especially if
4:43you're a supervisor or a manager because often a
lot of employees like their first step would just
4:48be to pull over a supervisor. But if you are,
you know, the manager, you need these skills
4:53and these phrases to deescalate. Yes. Okay.
So that's the first bucket. The first bucket
4:58again was acknowledging feelings. And then number
two, what else should we do? Yeah. Number two is
5:03to show a willingness to listen. This is where
it's interesting because we also our emotions
5:08might be you know rising as well and we might
be getting impatient or frustrated and so this
5:14is really tricky like if we really care about the
connection we will be willing to hear their side
5:19and we want to show that. So for example you could
say let's take a moment to talk about this right
5:24invite that conversation and try to move away from
confrontation or help me understand your point
5:31of view. This feels very collaborative. It feels
quite peaceful when we say this. So, you're just
5:37encouraging them to share what's going on in their
minds. Exactly. Or, I want to hear what you're
5:43thinking. Right. This would definitely signal
that you're open to a conversation about it. The
5:48tricky thing with these is you can't fake this. It
someone will be able to tell if you don't mean it.
5:53If you're insincere, you're frustrated, you're
impatient, and you're just saying this, right?
5:57You really need to truly be willing to listen when
you're in this um situation where you're trying to
6:04deescalate. Otherwise, it'll just make them more
angry, right? I don't think you could I don't
6:09think you could even say these phrases if you're
if you're also escalating. Sometimes we mirror the
6:13person and we escalate in that same way. I don't
think you could even say say these. You know what
6:18I mean? That's true. You might need to skip to
number four. We'll get there because sometimes
6:21you need time to cool down before you could use
these types of phrases. Yeah. And in the meantime,
6:26let's hit number three. Use softening statements.
So what does that mean? A softening statement,
6:31Aubrey? Yeah. Something that will help reduce
defensiveness, invite collaboration, right? So
6:38for example, I might be wrong, but here's how I
see it. So instead of going very direct with, you
6:44know, this is what I think is the case, right? I'm
softening that by saying like, I could be wrong
6:49about this, but have you considered this? This
is this is how I see it. You're softening that.
6:55softening it. And you could also soften by saying,
"I see your point. Maybe we can find a solution
6:59together." Okay. So, here we're moving the focus
from blame to problem solving. And I like that.
7:06I like that orientation of hey, let's figure
this out together. Exactly. Because imagine
7:10if you stay in blame. If everyone's just blaming
and getting then it escalates, escalates, right?
7:16But when you start trying to take the focus away
from the conflict toward problem solving toward
7:23um constructive dialogue then and often with these
softening statements that's the best way to help
7:28someone bring their emotions down. Yeah. And the
best and then another good way to say that would
7:33be let's figure out the best way forward. This
is forward moving momentum. This is implying a
7:38solution, right? It's not like wallowing in
the problem, right? And it's collaborative,
7:43right? Let's figure this out together. I'm not
just telling you what I think the solution is.
7:48I'm inviting you to a dialogue where we figure
it out together. Yeah. But sometimes you're just
7:53breathing fire, Aubrey. So, you might just need to
take some time to cool down. You cannot possibly
7:58use these phrases until you cool down and and
get some perspective, right? And you might need
8:04a phrase to share rather than just walking away
and maybe they'll come after you angrily. You
8:09need a phrase to let them know that you need to
to step away. So, for example, you could say,
8:13"Let's take a short break and come back to this."
Right? It prevents something from escalating,
8:18especially if emotions are high. Just saying
acknowledging that you also need a short break.
8:23Yeah. Or you could say, "I think we both need a
moment to calm down." Now, this one, be careful
8:27with this because you could further enrage the
person if you imply that they're out of line.
8:34Right. Yeah. This is tricky cuz like you're trying
to acknowledge that both sides need time, but if
8:38there's a chance the other person would be like,
I don't need time, you could just say this about
8:43yourself. You could just say, you know, I I think
I need a moment to calm down, so I'm just going to
8:48step back and and we could talk about this in a
few minutes. Yeah, exactly. And then we already
8:52kind of touched on the collaboration piece, right?
But there's a couple other things that we could
8:57say, how can we work this out? Um, and then what
else, Aubrey? Or what would help you feel better
9:03about this? And these are also like you maybe
are trying to come up with a solution trying
9:09to figure out what happened and if you reach an
impass this is especially for like a supervisor
9:15or manager it's like how can I fix the problem
and you need a way to say that right how can I
9:21make it right oh my gosh so many phrases so many
words so many ways to do it Aubrey right okay so
9:28let's do a role play and we're going to put these
into action so Aubrey here we are two drivers
9:34Um, our names are Sam and Taylor. Yes, it can't be
us because I'm going to be maybe a little honory.
9:39So, I'm going to have to put on my acting skills
because I have just You hit me and I'm very angry.
9:44Oh, boy. Here we go. Okay, so we're getting
out of the car, walking towards each other,
9:48maybe. Exactly. I'll start us out. Ready? Okay,
here we go. Look at my bumper. This is your fault.
9:54You totally ran that light. Whoa. I can see you're
upset. I'm okay. I'm okay. Are you okay? I'm okay,
10:00I think. But my car, this is ridiculous. I
understand. I'm really sorry this happened.
10:06I shouldn't have tried to make the light. Let's
handle this calmly so we can get it sorted. This
10:11is terrible timing. I was on the way to pick
up my kids. I'm sorry about that. Let's Let's
10:17exchange insurance information and take photos
of the damage. Okay, that sounds good. Thank you
10:23for staying calm. I know it's frustrating.
We'll handle this step by step. All right,
10:27let's do that. I'm a little too calm for someone
that just hit a car, right? I think it's supposed
10:34to be just a minor fender bender. So, like I'm
probably overreacting, right? Where neither of
10:39us are injured like you just maybe barely bumped
me. But even so, sometimes people just immediately
10:45are enraged. Maybe they've been dealing with other
things, right? And it's just all coming out. Well,
10:51that's the thing. It's usually not about that
moment that someone bumps you in the airport or
10:55something. It's really about everything else they
haven't dealt with in their lives. We have this
11:00idiom, the straw that broke the camel's back means
like the tiny little last thing that's what causes
11:06you to erupt. But these days, everyone is just
at the top of that, right? It seems like we're
11:11all at a boiling point. Yeah, it seems like it.
Um, so we we will need these phrases. Anything
11:17to go over here specifically. Just point out some
of these deescalation techniques that we used. So,
11:22you did something really smart where you took it
to safety. You're like, you know, are you okay?
11:28I'm okay. Are you okay? And then it kind of makes
me realize like, okay, maybe the damage to my car
11:33isn't the most important thing. Am I all right?
We're both okay. And that immediately takes it to
11:38the human level. Yeah. And your tone of voice
changed when you responded to that. You said,
11:43"I'm okay, I think." Right. So, that does
shift the energy. And so, all of a sudden,
11:48we're not necessarily like fighting against each
other. We're making sure we're both physically
11:52safe. Yeah, this really makes sense, right? If
you've caused an accident, just to immediately,
11:57are you okay? Like make sure that no one's injured
and worried about that ahead of time. But also
12:02acknowledging feelings, right? You said, "I can
see that you're upset." Like just acknowledging
12:06that instead of dismissing where which would
probably make me even more angry. I love that.
12:12I can see that you're upset. And then what else
do we have? See where we What else did I say? you
12:18were owning responsibility. You said, "I shouldn't
have tried to make the light, right?" I'm like,
12:23"You ran the light." It's one of those where,
you know, you'll try to get through it. Oh,
12:27I think I've got time. And someone else goes
a little early. So, but yeah, you are owning
12:31responsibility, which this is tricky with a
traffic accident. Often people don't want to
12:34do this. They don't want to admit fault or maybe
they're not sure if they are at fault, but in
12:38order to deescalate the situation, sometimes this
could help. Right. Right. Because they probably
12:43they want to claim on their insurance that it's
not their fault. happens and if it's your fault,
12:47your insurance probably goes up. I don't know.
Luckily, I've never been in one of these. So, um
12:52yeah, I don't know exactly. Depends on like what
the witnesses say and what the like that depends
12:56on the laws in the different country. Often it's
like whoever hit someone from behind even if the
13:00other person stopped short, you know, that's their
fault. Yeah. But then also this phrase focusing on
13:06a solution, you know, you're saying let's exchange
insurance information and take photos like you are
13:11moving toward the next steps. Let's solve this,
which is going to deescalate the emotion of it.
13:16Yes. Okay. I love it. So, and then um then at
the end I said, "Thank you for staying calm. I
13:22know it's frustrating. We'll handle this step
by step." It sounds a little bit more like um
13:27like a manager who has been trained than a than a
human being on the road. That's I I feel like I'd
13:33be a little more um like if I were the one that
caused the accident, I I don't know if I'd be that
13:38collected. You know what I mean? Maybe not. Right.
Yeah. It's a little too real world. Especially,
13:44I don't know. It's interesting to think about
how you would react if the other person comes
13:47out just like enraged and really freaking
out. You might move into like peacemaker mode,
13:53like let's deescalate before someone. Maybe
it depends on your personality, maybe. Um,
13:59but yeah, it sounds a little more official to me.
Like like like a train like a trained manager,
14:03that kind of thing. Interesting. Um, okay. Uh,
all right. Anything else we should go through
14:08before we finish up with this episode? Yeah, I
think that's it. It is interesting how we're kind
14:13of covering both here, like what a trained manager
says and what a real person says. When you're in a
14:18conflict, you need to deescalate. And you might be
too emotional to be able to like use these calming
14:25phrases, but if that's the case, use one of these
to step back, right? I think I need a moment to
14:31step back because more and more, I mean, in the
States, you never know, someone might have a gun
14:35in their car. You need to deescalate. You don't
want to be pushing someone's buttons and and um
14:42pushing back at someone who's really angry. It's
too dangerous. Oh my god. It's too bad that we
14:47have to think about that. But it is true. I mean,
it has happened that someone just pulls a gun
14:51on a car next to them or if they cut someone cut
someone off. It has happened like in recent years.
14:57It happens all the time. It happened just a couple
of weeks ago here in Arizona and often it's just
15:01about road rage. In fact, just a couple of weeks
ago, a child was shot through a window because
15:07two, it was like two adults that were fighting
and one shot and hit a child in their car. It's
15:12awful. So, it's it's it really does highlight how
important it is to be the person who's willing to
15:17deescalate. Like, try to control your emotions
even if you're the one that's angry because it's
15:23not worth what the potential consequences could
be. Yeah, you're so right. Really good stuff. All
15:27right, good episode today, Aubrey. Guys, hit the
follow button if you love our show. And Aubrey,
15:32I'll see you back on here soon. Awesome.
See you next time. Have a good day. Bye bye.
