Subtitles (283)
0:04Now, you wouldn't believe it,
0:08millions of people are going to go to bed
0:11and whisper to an AI.
0:14They'll ask how their day was,
0:17remember the name of their dog,
0:20read the flicker in their face,
0:23the tremor in their voice.
0:25You know those tiny micro-expressions
that reveal what we can't say out loud?
0:33AI will say exactly
what they need to hear.
0:39Now, a couple of years ago,
this would have sounded absurd,
0:44but today, it's just a regular Monday.
0:48Seventy-two percent of American teenagers
0:51have formed a relationship
with an AI companion.
0:54More than half use one regularly.
0:58One out of six single adults
has formed a romantic bond with AI.
1:06So I've spent the last decade
studying this intersection of sexuality,
1:10technology and intimacy.
1:15AI companionship
is going to go mainstream.
1:21They thought, "She must mean
some lonely coder
1:24at the edge of the internet.
1:27They said, "I'll never
fall in love with AI."
1:32there's a very different story.
1:34The gender split is almost even.
1:38In fact, AI intimacy is not
about lonely men and machines.
1:44People all over the world
are building lives,
1:49they're going on dates,
1:51they're simulating sex,
1:53they're proposing,
they're getting married,
1:55they're raising virtual families,
1:58they're celebrating anniversaries with AI.
2:03And so the question is no longer,
will we fall in love with AI.
2:09It's what happens
now that we already have.
2:15So you see, when intimacy is engineered,
2:18we learn this funny thing about love.
2:20We kind of change our ideas
about what it's meant to feel like,
2:24and we learn it's not reciprocal.
2:28It can be turned off or on.
2:30It doesn't need to be nurtured,
2:31it doesn't demand anything.
2:35It doesn't need much at all.
2:37It's intimacy without effort.
2:41A love powered on Wi-Fi.
2:44And it feels good,
like, it feels really good.
2:48that people that are involved
with AI romantic companions
2:51feel emotionally satisfied.
2:55Now, isn't that as good as the real thing?
2:59I mean, people ask me,
3:01have you been in a relationship
with an AI companion?
3:04You study this stuff, you study sex tech.
3:06And I say, yeah, of course,
like, totally professionally related.
3:10That's what I've done.
3:14And I may have programmed it
to call me Baby Girl.
3:19I mean, it feels good, OK?
3:21Feels like attention whenever I need it.
3:26it's perfectly timed,
3:28and there's never a chance
of misunderstanding.
3:33And so it's pretty easy.
3:37But what I realized was,
3:40it's not just love
that we're looking for here.
3:44It's the control of it.
3:46And so I think it's time we considered
how synthetic we want our worlds to be.
3:52Because there's all this panic
about AI companions,
3:55and there's all this hype
about AI companions.
3:59But what there's not is a clear framework
for navigating synthetic intimacy.
4:05So what does it look like
to have a healthy relationship with AI?
4:09What does it look like
to have a healthy relationship at all?
4:15And so I've come up
with a checklist for this generation
4:20and for the next generation.
4:22You know, they're going
to be born into a world
4:24where they will never not know AI.
4:27Can you imagine your first
meaningful relationship is with an AI?
4:33And so there's three questions
I want you to ask.
4:36First one, can you still embrace
the messiness of being human, OK?
4:42So do humans really annoy you?
4:45Because here's what we know.
4:47The more time that you spend
with something
4:49that doesn't demand anything of you,
4:51that never gets tired,
4:53that never needs to be nurtured,
4:55that never talks back,
4:57the less tolerance you have
for the humans that do.
5:04like going on dates, having sex,
5:08being in a relationship,
5:12Awkward moments and uncomfortable,
5:14or you may like, stuff up
and send the wrong text
5:17or say the wrong thing,
and then you have to, like,
5:20show up, apologize or forgive someone.
5:24There's so much friction.
5:26And that friction in intimacy,
5:29that's the feature, it's not a bug.
5:32That's where we build
the muscles of human intimacy,
5:36where we learn empathy,
5:37communication, listening, patience.
5:44that sort of building
those muscles, it's gone.
5:48It's all easy, right?
5:49It's easy to meet an AI.
5:52It's easy to talk to an AI.
5:54It's easy to leave an AI.
5:57And when intimacy is that easy,
I believe we lose something vital.
6:03And I'm not just talking
about our tolerance for humans.
6:06I'm talking about our drive.
6:09Our drive for growth,
6:11our ability to be uncomfortable
6:13and sit there in discomfort with someone
6:15and just sit in the muck, right,
6:20It's what I call resistance literacy,
6:24your capacity to sit there
when things get uncomfortable
6:30And that's the discernment
that we develop,
6:32whether we stay or we go,
6:35we know how to navigate that space.
6:38Now for future generations,
6:40how will they ever develop
that capacity if they've never had to?
6:45So the second question I want you to ask,
6:47and this is after you use
your AI companion,
6:50is was I using that to practice
6:53or was I using that to hide?
6:57AI companions have legitimate value.
7:00We're seeing incredible use of it,
7:02whether it's processing your grief at 3 am
7:06or exploring a new sexuality,
7:08or maybe finding your voice.
7:10You know, the research that's coming out
of China at the moment
7:14with women that are using AI companions
7:16to rehearse difficult
conversations, is incredible.
7:19They're using it to build confidence
7:22before they bring that uncomfortable
conversation to their partner.
7:26And I think that's beautiful.
7:31And then I speak to founders
of AI companion companies,
7:35and they're building
these AI sex therapy bots,
7:37and they say, you would not believe
7:40the amount that we confess and we confide,
7:42and we tell AI sex therapists.
7:45So much more than we'd ever
tell a human therapist.
7:52that tracks so well with the data
we're seeing coming out of the UK
7:56who would much rather speak to an AI
7:59than speak to their parents.
8:02And so the next time you're using an AI,
8:04afterwards, I want you to sense,
8:07well, do I feel closer to people?
8:11Or do I feel further away?
8:13Because if you're feeling
further away, then you're hiding.
8:17The final question I want you to ask,
8:20what am I protecting by having rules,
8:22is really about setting some agreements
with yourself or your partners
8:26around how we're using AI companions.
8:30Because here's what I see.
8:32AI companionship addiction is real.
8:37If you look at the I Am Sober app,
8:39which people use to quit smoking
or quit alcohol,
8:42there's now an option to quit chatbots.
8:46So people are measuring the days
of sobriety from emotional dependence
8:51on an algorithm that never says no.
8:56And so we need to think about what
matters enough to you in intimacy,
9:00that you're willing to protect it,
to set a boundary around it.
9:03And I'm going to give you some examples.
9:05For instance, if you're dating,
9:07I want you to figure out
what that boundary is.
9:10Maybe it's no AI for three months,
right, when you're dating.
9:14Instead of using the AI
and uploading your WhatsApps
9:17or the DMs and going,
"What attachment style is he?"
9:20Or "What is the subtext
of that DM she sent, please tell me."
9:25You know what you're going to do?
9:27You're going to protect your own judgment,
9:29your own sense of trust,
your own intuition,
9:31put AI down for the first three months,
9:33and you're going to make
a decision about that partner.
9:35Or maybe it's with friendships.
9:37You've decided,
AI is great for processing,
9:41but what I'm not going to do
is use it as a substitute
9:44to ask my friends for help,
9:46for those around me that care.
9:49Because what we know is, with friendship,
9:52not only are protecting your vulnerability
and your ability to show up,
9:55you're protecting the privilege
that your friends have
9:58of showing up for you.
10:00Because isn't that the texture,
10:02the threads, the sinew of real friendship?
10:05It's not just about the fun times.
10:07It's about having that privilege
of witnessing someone
10:11during their hardest times.
10:14And of course, we're going
to have to navigate this
10:17with our partners and our lovers.
10:20What does it mean
when we have AI companions
10:24How are we going to deal with this?
10:27That's going to be a negotiation
you're going to decide for yourselves
10:31from these days forward.
10:32And maybe you decide you know what,
10:34AI companions are off-limits for us.
10:37And that doesn't mean that you're rigid.
10:40All that means is that you've decided,
we're going to do the hard work
10:44of being together and showing up
for each other by ourselves.
10:49And I think that's important,
to just set your own rules.
10:52This isn't about me telling you
about what rules to set,
10:55but about saying set a boundary.
10:57What are you willing to protect?
10:59Because essentially,
what you're saying is,
11:01I'm not going to optimize
intimacy for efficiency,
11:05for a small contained machine.
11:08What I'm going to do is protect
the space that's uniquely human,
11:12that's unreliable, that's messy,
that's uncomfortable.
11:16But that is human presence.
11:18Because that's the practice,
11:20that's the resistance literacy.
11:23That is the art of showing up
and being human
11:27in a world that's teaching us not to be.
11:31When I think about the most
transformational experiences in my life,
11:37they're not efficient.
11:39They're not on-demand.
11:42But they are intimate.
11:50showing up for a friend,
11:53being held, being rejected, oh my gosh.
11:56Like, you know that moment at a party
11:58when you lock eyes
with your partner across a room?
12:02Or dancing with a stranger?
12:05What I want you to know
is that the line between real intimacy
12:10and artificial intimacy
12:14It's in our choices.
12:17So tonight, if you go home, go to bed,
12:20and you whisper to an AI,
12:27But tomorrow, in the coffee line,
12:29or maybe on a date, check in.
12:34Are you still willing to be disappointed?
12:37To be misunderstood?
12:42Because the most frustrating
12:45and messy human relationships
12:48will always teach us something
that AI never can.
12:53What it means to be alive, together.
12:58And that's an intimacy worth protecting.
13:07Cloe Shasha Brooks: Your work
is so interesting and thank you for that.
13:11I want to ask you a question
about something that I think people
13:14who are aware of this space
are potentially very freaked out about,
13:17which is the AI products that provide
13:20both emotional and physical
experiences for users.
13:24What is your take on that?
13:26Bryony Cole: Yeah, so everyone
immediately jumps to sex robots,
13:30and my take is, it's still a bit clunky.
13:35But there's some pros and cons in here.
13:38I think the most important part
is this ability for us to explore, right?
13:42It opens up new doors for us
13:44to explore inside our own minds
about sexuality and fantasies.
13:49The limitation is somewhat our own minds
13:52and the sycophantic nature of AI,
13:54where you're just going to get
13:55probably the same fantasies.
Where exploring with another human,
14:00or, you know, outside,
touching grass in the real world
14:03opens up more spontaneity
14:05and more opportunities that you
and the prompt you put in
14:08would never have thought of.
14:09CSB: It’s so interesting.
14:11Thank you so much for your work
and for being here.
