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1 Thing You Can Do Today to Be Happier | Sonja Lyubomirsky | TED
1 Thing You Can Do Today to Be Happier | Sonja Lyubomirsky | TED
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0:03
I’m a happiness scientist,
0:05
and I've been a happiness scientist
0:07
for 36 years.
0:09
For my entire professional career,
0:10
I've been obsessed with learning the secrets
0:13
to being a happy person --
0:15
with trying to answer the question: Can anyone become happier?
0:19
Now how do we even study something like that?
0:22
Well, in 1998, my lab pioneered what we call happiness interventions.
0:28
Happiness interventions are experiments with human participants.
0:32
Over the years, we've done dozens of these experiments,
0:35
testing whether practices like expressing gratitude
0:38
or doing acts of kindness or simply acting like an extrovert
0:43
make people happier.
0:45
And they do. Under the right conditions.
0:48
My students and I spent decades doing these experiments.
0:52
This work made my career,
0:54
and yet I realized that I hadn't really been listening
0:57
to what the data were trying to tell me.
1:00
And then it finally clicked.
1:02
It dawned on me that almost all of the interventions that work
1:06
to make us happier,
1:07
they work precisely because they help us
1:10
feel more connected to and loved by others.
1:13
So writing a gratitude letter to my mom makes me feel more loved by her.
1:18
And doing an act of kindness for my colleague
1:21
makes me feel closer to him.
1:23
In other words, what I learned is that to be a better happiness scientist,
1:27
I had to become a love scientist.
1:30
Because, as it turns out,
1:31
the key to happiness is feeling connected and loved.
1:37
And I know that sounds like a cliché,
1:39
but many powerful ideas do once you distill them.
1:42
The real challenge and opportunity is how to put it into practice.
1:47
So then how do we connect?
1:49
Well we can connect through touch or dance or eye contact.
1:54
But let's face it,
1:56
in Western culture, in many cultures, actually,
1:58
we mostly connect by talking.
2:01
Yet here's the problem with our social world today.
2:04
Even when we're talking, we all have walls around us.
2:08
There are walls around our friends, colleagues, neighbors, even family.
2:12
We build those walls to protect ourselves,
2:15
yet they also keep us from ever really letting anyone in.
2:18
They keep us from becoming truly known.
2:22
So this is literally my number one happiness tip.
2:25
The one thing I wish everybody knew.
2:27
We will feel more loved if we become more known,
2:31
if we learn to talk to people in a way that takes down the walls between us.
2:36
The secret is super simple, yet I think massively profound.
2:40
If you do one thing today to be happier,
2:43
let it be this.
2:44
Approach your next conversation differently from what you've done before.
2:50
First, by sharing from the heart.
2:52
You take down your walls by sharing something real about yourself,
2:56
not just your highlight reel.
2:58
Whether with your best friend, colleague or first date,
3:01
be brave enough to let others see the real you.
3:05
Here's a simple practice.
3:06
Start small. Pacing is really important.
3:09
So don't immediately share your deepest secret or trauma.
3:12
If you go deep too fast,
3:14
everyone's walls will come right back up again.
3:16
Instead, in the beginning, maybe say something honest,
3:19
like "I've had a rough day" instead of "I'm fine."
3:23
Recent studies show that people will like you more
3:26
when the conversation is deeper, as opposed to shallower.
3:30
Two, you help the other person lower their walls when you listen to them
3:36
in order to learn, not to respond.
3:39
Quiet your voice so theirs can be heard.
3:43
So during your next conversation, instead of mentally rehearsing your story,
3:47
try to listen like there's going to be a quiz tomorrow.
3:51
Furthermore, ask one more question than you’d normally ask,
3:56
like: How did that really feel?
3:58
Such questions signal that you're right there with them.
4:02
When was the last time someone asked you a real question about your life?
4:07
It's rare.
4:09
Yet research shows that people yearn to be asked,
4:11
and those who ask questions are better liked.
4:15
And yet, you've probably all had this experience.
4:18
Someone talks at you for an hour, tells you their whole life story,
4:21
then walks away knowing nothing about you.
4:23
Am I right?
4:24
That's not what I meant.
4:26
Sharing and listening hold hands.
4:29
If you only share, it's a monologue.
4:31
If you only listen, it's an interview.
4:33
But when you do both, that's when the magic happens.
4:38
And that's it. It's really that simple.
4:41
By sharing a little more and listening a little deeper,
4:45
all of us can learn to take the walls down.
4:48
If we do, we’ll know one another better.
4:51
We’ll feel more loved.
4:53
And we’ll help the people in our lives feel more love too.
4:57
Thank you.
4:58
(Applause)
