Changing Bad Ideas About Men

Topic: Men

Most people who die by suicide in Australia are men, but few say they would get help from a mental‑health professional if they were struggling. Australia is facing a national crisis of gender‑based violence, with about one woman killed by a partner every 11 days on average.

Online, men‑focused groups say men are in trouble – they cannot find purpose, work, or happiness – because women now have degrees, jobs, and independence. These groups sell quick‑rich tips, hormone and steroid use, and even suggest men smash their jaws with hammers to look better.

A growing wave of isolation, loneliness, and social division is threatening public health and safety.

These are problems of broken masculinity, says Ben Vasiliou, author of the new book *Better Man: Reclaiming Masculinity for Good*. Vasiliou, chief executive of The Man Cave, which runs healthy‑masculinity workshops for teenage boys, blames “out‑dated, rigid stereotypes” – “toxic norms” that tell men to be tough, hide pain, never show softness, and never ask for help.

*Better Man* adds to a noisy but urgent talk about what it means to be a man, and at what cost. Vasiliou shares his own story: he felt deep shame and despair while hiding his true self, and only came out as gay in his late 20s, after marrying and having two children.

The book is also a plan for change, offering Vasiliou’s ideas to help a new generation of boys adopt a broader view of masculinity so they can enjoy better mental health, relationships, and lives.

When we met on a cool August morning in Melbourne, I asked whether being a “good” man is really different from being a “good” human, and which person he would rather be stuck on an island with: Donald Trump or Andrew Tate.

Have you read a book lately that changed how you think about an issue or yourself?

I recently finished the most detailed autobiography of Oscar Wilde. I rarely read long books, but I managed 800 pages, which is rare for me. The story made me think about the late‑19th‑century challenges – the Industrial and Mechanical Revolutions, fights against modernism, and political issues – and how they echo today in the AI revolution and strange politics worldwide.

It shows that humanity has faced similar challenges before. The themes of social progress, how we treat men, differences, and diversity repeat. Oscar’s life mirrors mine: we both married young, had two children early, and although he never publicly came out, he was jailed for being gay. I felt a bit prosecuted when I came out. Reading his story reminded me I’m not alone in questioning what masculinity means.

(ABC News: Danielle Bonica)

*Better Man* argues that if boys and men adopt a healthier masculinity, challenging rigid ideas of dominance, toughness, power, and control, and learn to show emotions, it will help lower men’s mental‑illness rates, suicide, and violence against women. If you dislike the phrase “toxic masculinity,” why not?

In my work, I see that putting “toxic” before masculinity can shut down conversation. Some men feel they must stop talking. Progress is happening – we need to encourage critical thinking and move beyond a simple male‑female binary – but not all masculinity is toxic. Everyday role models show a broader version of masculinity, and a strengths‑based approach makes men more willing to discuss needed change.

What I’ve observed, and research confirms, is that the more men cling to old ideas – being dominant, controlling, aggressive – the more likely they suffer poor mental health and harm others. This is very concerning. I accept toxic masculinity exists, but it does not invite men into the conversation.

What does being a man mean today? It’s a new discussion. I value traditional strengths – service, courage, strength, leadership, providing, protecting – as beautiful. Yet, when used alone, they can become harmful. Adding caring, compassion, respect, clear boundaries, healthy relationships, gender equity, and seeing feminism as not a threat creates whole humans. That is the book’s core: a great man is a great human.

Which traits are especially important for men?

I would like modern men to express themselves rather than suppress feelings. It isn’t just “men can cry”; it’s about breaking the rule that men must bottle up emotions. When men express themselves, they build stronger connections and feel safe talking about their problems. I want my friends, colleagues, and all men to know: it’s okay when things aren’t okay.

We must go beyond slogans and create safe spaces where men support each other. A modern man can be compassionate when a friend struggles, without judging tenderness. Fathers should share physical, mental, and emotional duties with partners, being as present as mothers. Proper systems let dads raise children, hold tough talks, stay curious, and avoid judgment.

More broadly, men need to share equality with women, showing up 50‑50. Men no longer only earn money; families need both incomes. A century ago, women couldn’t get loans or credit cards and weren’t equal at work. Today they are, and our economy needs both partners. Men should still provide and protect, but also share house chores, emotional work, child‑raising, and caring for parents.

The Man Cave’s programs may improve attitudes toward aggression and violence, but attitude changes don’t always become behavior change or stop violence. Do you think that limits programs like yours?

It depends on design, curriculum, length, and facilitation. At The Man Cave we see behavior shifts in clear ways. We have worked with 115,000 boys; about 12,000 answer our yearly surveys. We first measured self‑reports – “Can you seek help now? Are relationships better?” – now we also survey female peers, teachers, and soon parents.

Our data shows that female peers and teachers report, three to six months after the program, less misogyny and homophobia. Boys are more willing to seek professional help. Teachers notice boys showing up more authentically and engaging more in schoolwork.

Yes, evidence for healthy masculinity and respectful relationships is growing. We add to research and will publish more papers in the next year. We still need whole‑community and whole‑school approaches. Our four‑day workshops work well, but lasting impact needs long‑term engagement with boys.

Vasiliou is chief executive of the Melbourne‑based mental‑health and emotional‑literacy charity The Man Cave. (ABC News: Danielle Bonica)

You wrote about your “mask of masculinity” and coming out as gay at 28 while married. How long did you hide your true self and what did it cost you?

I think, in a way, my whole life. My mother was brave and beautiful. My relationship with my dad was hard; I didn’t feel safe. Around ages 10‑13, big changes happened: dad left and became addicted to heroin, and mum was diagnosed with cancer. My sense of identity got buried while I was just surviving.

I didn’t realize how much it ate away at me. It hurt my mental health and relationships, but I kept going – I got a good job, married, had kids, bought a house. When my survival level improved, I realized I needed to deal with my own issues.

It hit me like a concrete block. I wondered if it was my sexuality, my mother’s death, or my dad’s trauma. I gained weight, felt depressed, and reached a breaking point, finally admitting I’m gay. I feared judgment as a man, but I also had to be honest about my marriage, children, and friends who relied on me.

I worried I would be defined only by my sexuality – I am more than gay. At 40, 12 years later, I have supportive people. My ex‑wife still co‑parents and supported me, helping me survive, and I’m very grateful.

What does learning to adopt a broader masculinity look like? What tools are most important?

First, self‑awareness: understand how life shaped you and be open to change. Many adults say, “I am who I am, accept me.” Instead, stay curious and willing to learn. Technology often shows things in black‑and‑white, which harms men and boys. Life is fluid. Listen to learn, not to judge.

Being open to personal growth and seeking help matters. I still go to therapy every Friday morning, discussing weekly challenges and wins. Seeking help isn’t just for crises; it’s ongoing self‑care. Talk about life’s good and tough parts, celebrate wins, and feel okay sharing concerns about the world.

Did you learn anything new while writing *Better Man*?

The first insight came from Luke Bateman. I tried to describe masculine and feminine traits as a binary, but Luke said, “Being a good man is also being a good human. Moving away from the binary makes us better humans.” That opened my eyes, and I rewrote half a chapter.

Luke Bateman was 19, chasing an NRL dream, but a gambling addiction left him $250,000 in debt when he retired from sport.

The second lesson: I’m not a perfect parent. While writing about my kids, especially my daughter, I realized I still have much to learn. After 20 years of parenting, I still don’t know everything, and I saw moments where I could have made different choices.

The third lesson: In today’s divided world, offering opinions and leadership on masculinity invites criticism. Trying to shape the national conversation brings a lot of critique, which I wasn’t fully prepared for, but it’s part of the journey.

What do people come to you about?

I receive messages calling me a “feminiser of boys,” a “progressive liberal,” or saying I don’t understand men’s issues, labeling me a left‑wing feminist. Others call me a far‑right men’s‑rights activist, accusing me of harming women, girls, and LGBTQIA+ people, or say I’m a Trump‑loving, Joe Rogan fan. I hope readers see I am none of those things.

“What I’d love to see in the modern man is expression over suppression,” says Ben Vasiliou. (ABC News: Danielle Bonica)

When or where do you feel most like yourself?

Two places. First, on the beautiful island of Bali, Indonesia. I started my career there after the bombings; it was my first professional job. I learned about social justice, government, and corruption. Tourists see Bali as a holiday spot, but I see it as a spiritual home that instantly brings me peace and connection to land, spirit, and culture.

My inner comfort comes from family dinners. We have a big dinner at least once a month. Being with my family, especially my sisters, I trust deeply. We laugh, cry, and bond over our crazy upbringing. No matter where we live, together feels like home.

Would you rather be stuck on a remote island with Donald Trump or Andrew Tate?

Both. If I’m to challenge patriarchy, give me both at once. Having them together could spark groupthink and make them question each other, because they disagree on many things. Under their bravado and strong‑man images, they are emotionally vulnerable, weak humans who have suffered. I hope I could reach them.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Better Man by Ben Vasiliou, published by Simon & Schuster, is out September 1.

Header image: Better Man author Ben Vasiliou (ABC News: Danielle Bonica)

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